Kingdoms Rise And Fall
“Who cares? Kingdoms rise and fall. Just don’t burn the paintings in the Louvre, that’s all.” I came across this quote by Lestat de Lioncourt in Anne Rice’s The Vampire Lestat. We don’t talk about ‘kingdoms’ much these days. The language is a bit outdated. However, kingdoms are just as significant today as they have ever been.
A kingdom is the physical space or sphere of influence where someone’s will is preeminent. This can be an entire country, but it also applies to each and every one of us. We all have a kingdom where our will is preeminent (or should be). The most basic form of a kingdom is your personhood, your body, mind, and emotions.
If you have ever raised a child or been around a child around the age of two (that should include everyone…), you have seen the kingdom of personhood in full display. It is around this age that children begin to develop a sense of self—that is, they see themselves as separate from other people and as having autonomy over that separateness. Hence, their favorite word becomes “no.”
We all feel the same way when someone tells us to do something we don’t want to do, or worse, forces us. We may have developed a more socially correct way to express ourselves, but inside, there is a defiant two-year-old screaming “NO!!” No one likes to have their kingdom violated.
Here is the problem. It is very difficult to lead people without violating their kingdom.
Oscar Wilde said, “Our ambition should be to rule ourselves, the true kingdom for each one of us; and true progress is to know more, and be more, and to do more.” This is a lovely concept. I wish we could end there with everyone ruling themselves in harmony and seeking to be more and understand more (especially for and about the others around us).
While we do need to lead ourselves, communities and organizations need leaders to set a course and then work to ensure that everyone is cared for and included in the healthy pursuit of that goal. How then do we lead without violating other’s kingdoms? Let’s look at some common ways we typically mess it up and how we can improve.
The Open Attack. Some leaders are just offensive. They consistently choose methods, words, and processes that are demeaning and harsh when they have other options. I am assuming none of you reading this are this type of leader but beware the tendency to shift into this mode when you experience resistance. Do not let your emotions drive your actions.
The Trojan Horse. Sometimes, leaders disguise their true intentions with flowery language and slight-of-hand tricks to shift people’s focus away from the hidden agenda. This one is easy: don’t have a hidden agenda. Be transparent about what you and the organization are doing and why. If it is good for you AND good for everyone else, then people will support it. Surprisingly, people understand far more about your business than you think. Respect them with the truth.
The Siege. The siege is a cruel but effective tactic (and is still being used today). Rather than doing the hard work of communicating and developing team members, leaders (sometimes throughout the organization) simply pinch off the flow of attention, resources, approval, support, you fill in the blank, until people give up. Don’t cut people off; invest in them or help them find a place where they are a better fit.
The Sniper. Instead of attacking the group, the sniper picks people off from a position of safety and cover. Leaders have significant power and, if used unethically, can wreak havoc on a single person without any blowback. A word to a coworker, a look, lack of acknowledgement, or public criticism all act like bullets that cause potentially mortal wounds.
The problem with taking a kingdom by force is that the very things that make a kingdom valuable are often destroyed in the fight, like paintings (read people). People are not things to be conquered; they are beings imbued with dignity to be cared for and respected. Never forget your kingdom is made up of people who have kingdoms too. Healthy communities respect the larger kingdom without violating the personal ones. People who willingly open their gates are more engaged team members who are happy to grow your kingdom for a share of the spoils. Leaders who protect others’ kingdoms are defending their own too—the Bison Way.