Cleaning Out
We are contemplating moving to a new house. The kids are gone, our needs are different, and it may just be time for a change. In anticipation of this, we have talked about cleaning out. We are likely to move to a smaller house, and our plethora of stuff may not fit. I say, “talked about,” because talking is all that has happened so far.
Cleaning out is easier for some than for others. My wife loves to clean out and dispose of unused and unnecessary things. I like to keep things—all things. Everything. The “you never know when you might need that” kind of things. My rationale might make sense if we lived in some remote place, cut off from civilization, however my wife’s methods make more sense where we live, especially as we consider the possibility of moving.
Change is often the catalyst for cleaning out—going away to college, getting married, having kids, kids leaving home, moving, changing careers, or the passing of a family member. Whatever the initiator, movement in our lives and circumstances often prompts us to leave behind things we once held on to. However difficult, cleaning out and clearing clutter ultimately makes us feel better and operate more efficiently and effectively.
The same is true for our emotional closets. We tend to hang on to emotions that we aren’t sure what to do with. I guess we think we may need them someday, but accumulated emotional clutter ends up getting in the way of new experiences and healthy interactions with others.
Leaders cannot disconnect themselves from the emotional space they occupy. We can keep the closet doors closed when company comes over, but the stuff in those boxes still affects us in ways we may not realize. Our emotional clutter can cause us to act inappropriately or irresponsibly toward others (think lashing out or snapping at someone). It can lead to sabotaging or numbing behaviors (drugs, alcohol, food, sex, etc.). That clutter affects our sleep, our relationships, and our health—sometimes even manifesting as physical pain and illness.
Great leaders are healthy leaders. So how do we unclutter our emotional closets? First, I highly recommend therapy with a trained and licensed therapist. It is much easier to see the things in your closet for what they are when someone else is looking over your shoulder and pointing out the obvious (but lost on you) facts. So, get some help.
Beyond therapy, there are other things I do that may resonate with you:
I love to write. You can call it journaling if you want. Something changes when you write things down. The physical action of expressing your emotions through your body and onto the paper is cathartic—it slows things down and brings up emotions you’ve kept locked away. Let this be a spontaneous exercise. Don’t worry about grammar, legibility, or anything else. You can destroy what you write afterward if it contains things others wouldn’t understand or accept (like expressing anger toward someone who is gone). Just get that junk out of the closet.
Music is an essential part of my life. Sometimes, I listen to music to reflect my emotions, allowing me to explore them more completely. Other times, I listen to music to create an emotion to see what else it is connected to. Sometimes, I listen as part of a ritual to let go of things. Whatever the reason, music engages our brains and emotions in ways that help us experience and then release things we may have kept boxed up for too long.
Movement is life, and this applies to emotional life as well. Dance, run, lift weights, row, hit a punching bag (not a person), jump rope—it doesn’t matter what you do. What matters is allowing yourself to use movement to process and release accumulated emotions. Like moving from one house to another causes you to rethink and reevaluate your physical stuff, movement helps you process and reorganize your emotional stuff.
Did I mention therapy? Get a therapist. I have often said that everyone needs to go to rehab. We all have trauma and history that impacts our relational effectiveness. Rehab is just therapy on steroids. Most of you won’t go to rehab, but all of you should see a therapist—at least from time to time.
The prospect of a new house is exciting. The reality of going through all my accumulated things is not exciting. I can’t get to one without going through the other. The same is true for each of us. The exciting future we have as individuals—and our ability to lead effectively—lies on the other side of the necessary work of cleaning out what is holding us back. So, roll up your sleeves and start dragging those boxes out. It will be difficult, but it will make you a better person and a better leader, And, of course, it is the Bison Way.